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Velidina_Shiatamme
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 Posted: Thu Oct 23, 2008 9:56 pm Post subject: Velidina's Shippuuden Adventures |
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Yeah yeah, It doesn't follow the Shippuuden series fully. Give me a break. It's a fanfic ^.^
Just a note- this story along with another Naruto one are on fanfiction.net, but I'm just putting it here so you guys can read it easier. ^.^ (Also more Naruto Fans...)
If you want more, tell me and I'll post what I have typed. Thanks! And helpful critism is welcome. That's why I put it on here.
Also, this Velidina was my original one, before coming on here, so a lot of things will be different between characters.
Prologue:
Two and a Half Years Previous
“What?!” came a female’s voice; it was laden with surprise. “Are you sure?” Inside a room, there were two females and a male. One female with blonde hair and a blue diamond settled in the middle of her forehead was standing behind an oaken desk. It was big enough to hold her and the male behind, who had an x-shaped scar on his nose and a bandana with a metal plate on it covering his forehead, being tied in the back. He, too, was standing, his hand on the desk in front of him as if his body couldn’t support itself. “A-are you sure, Velidina?” the man asked. The other woman, who looked no older than twelve, nodded. “Hai.”
The girl, whom had donned a long, elegant dress that had tears populating around it- most likely from training exercises- and adorned a similar bandana to the man in her hair, which was settled behind her, reaching her waist. Her red eyes looked back and forth between the two, and she let out a sigh. “It’s okay. I’ll be fine. I also wish to leave my forehead protector here as well. I’ll pick it up as soon as I come back.” “W-what?!” came the other female’s voice. “The forehead protector, too?” It was as if she couldn’t believe what she was hearing. The other female spoke, saying “Hai. It’ll be easier on me and this country if I leave it behind.” This time, the man spoke. “But won’t they be more suspicious of an un-aligned kunoichi?” The young girl closed her eyes. “I’ve thought of that. But if they do get suspicious, they won’t be able to trace my actions back to this Hidden Village, and declare war on it.” The man jumped back to the assault, trying to change this young girl’s mind. “But-“ He didn’t get to finish, as the other female raised her hand. “Please quiet down, Iruka.” The man looked at the woman, shocked, but he nodded his head nevertheless. “H-hokage-sama…” he said in quiet disbelief.
The older female kept looking at the younger female, and said three relatively simple words: “Are you sure?” The young girl once again nodded. “Hai.” The older female merely sighed. “When would you return?” The younger, red-eyed female looked up in surprise. “Umm… around two and a half years.” “Then that’s the same time that Naruto would be due back…” She whispered to herself. Then, turning back to the young female before her, she said, “All right then, you can go. Leave whenever you’re ready.” The young kunoichi took the headband out of her hair, and placed it in front of the older female. Whispering so only the female could hear, the younger one said, “Please, take good care of it, Tsunade-sama. I wish for it to still be wearable upon my return.” With that, she turned and left the room.
“Will she be alright by herself?” The male asked. The remaining female just continued to stare at the door. “Don’t worry.” She said, not looking away. “She’ll be fine. I believe in her.”
_________________
| YuweaCurtis wrote: | | NRC, where even the posts are ninjas. |
| Rorschach wrote: | | lol, Sench-Dynasty. Coined. |
When the snow falls, it covers and hides... the truth. And when it melts, that truth is shown...
~Kino's Journey
Roleplaying Characters:
Shiatamme, Velidina
Tracona, Felishia
Cheza
Kurataima, Syani
RPG Stats:
Shinobi Rank: Genin D-Rank +-+ Genin E-Rank+-+ Genin C-Rank +-+ Genin E-Rank
Village: Konoha +-+ Konoha +-+ Iwagakure +-+ Kumogakure
Fame: 0
Reputation:
Training Points: 720
Inventory: Mizu Kusari, Kunai X5, Shruiken X3, Water Balloons X3, Mortar and Pestle +-+ Kunai X4, Shruiken X5, Green Diamond +-+ Two Emivice, Kunai, Helena Bracelet, Hyoumenkaken +-+ 25 normal senbon, 50 small senbon, 30 Kunai, 10 Shruiken, Modified Kunai, Ancient Text
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OzanaruSyra
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| Posted: Fri Oct 24, 2008 8:23 am Post subject: |
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Hm. You've obviously written before so I'll give a bit harsher criticism. First of all, describing your characters so directly is not good form. Try to ease it in through action a bit. This is a bit less important but if you want to keep proper English form you really should fix your dialogue and paragraphing.
Besides that it's quite good, it leads in well towards a storyline but I'm not fond of how it's exclusive to only people who are familiar with the Shippuden series (Personally I don't watch the show or read the anime, don't ask why).
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Vechalia Ozanaru
Mikrah Ozanaru
RPG Stats:
Shinobi Rank: Jounin, SS ~ Genin, E ~ Genin, E
Village: Kirigakure ~ Kirigakure ~ Kirigakure
Fame: 5000 ~ 0 ~ 0
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Inventory: 2 Tekagi, 3 Daggers, Vorcrist ~ 10 Needles ~ 2 Tonfa, 5 Shuriken, 5 Kunai, 3 Needles
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Velidina_Shiatamme
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| Posted: Fri Oct 24, 2008 2:08 pm Post subject: |
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| OzanaruSyra wrote: |
Besides that it's quite good, it leads in well towards a storyline but I'm not fond of how it's exclusive to only people who are familiar with the Shippuden series (Personally I don't watch the show or read the anime, don't ask why). |
Not really. I just call it that so people who DO know what it is know the relative time frame. That's why I described them, so I wouldn't use the name and people who don't know who those people are can get somewhat of a picture in their head. This was written for fanftiction.net, where not everyone knows what Naruto chars look like, so I had to describe them.
On a different note, do you think I should put the next chapter up here?
_________________
| YuweaCurtis wrote: | | NRC, where even the posts are ninjas. |
| Rorschach wrote: | | lol, Sench-Dynasty. Coined. |
When the snow falls, it covers and hides... the truth. And when it melts, that truth is shown...
~Kino's Journey
Roleplaying Characters:
Shiatamme, Velidina
Tracona, Felishia
Cheza
Kurataima, Syani
RPG Stats:
Shinobi Rank: Genin D-Rank +-+ Genin E-Rank+-+ Genin C-Rank +-+ Genin E-Rank
Village: Konoha +-+ Konoha +-+ Iwagakure +-+ Kumogakure
Fame: 0
Reputation:
Training Points: 720
Inventory: Mizu Kusari, Kunai X5, Shruiken X3, Water Balloons X3, Mortar and Pestle +-+ Kunai X4, Shruiken X5, Green Diamond +-+ Two Emivice, Kunai, Helena Bracelet, Hyoumenkaken +-+ 25 normal senbon, 50 small senbon, 30 Kunai, 10 Shruiken, Modified Kunai, Ancient Text
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Sench
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Velidina_Shiatamme
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| Posted: Fri Oct 24, 2008 2:34 pm Post subject: |
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It's a prologue... not quite a chapter. Chapters after 2 (not including prologue) are quite a bit longer than this...
_________________
| YuweaCurtis wrote: | | NRC, where even the posts are ninjas. |
| Rorschach wrote: | | lol, Sench-Dynasty. Coined. |
When the snow falls, it covers and hides... the truth. And when it melts, that truth is shown...
~Kino's Journey
Roleplaying Characters:
Shiatamme, Velidina
Tracona, Felishia
Cheza
Kurataima, Syani
RPG Stats:
Shinobi Rank: Genin D-Rank +-+ Genin E-Rank+-+ Genin C-Rank +-+ Genin E-Rank
Village: Konoha +-+ Konoha +-+ Iwagakure +-+ Kumogakure
Fame: 0
Reputation:
Training Points: 720
Inventory: Mizu Kusari, Kunai X5, Shruiken X3, Water Balloons X3, Mortar and Pestle +-+ Kunai X4, Shruiken X5, Green Diamond +-+ Two Emivice, Kunai, Helena Bracelet, Hyoumenkaken +-+ 25 normal senbon, 50 small senbon, 30 Kunai, 10 Shruiken, Modified Kunai, Ancient Text
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Velidina_Shiatamme
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| Posted: Fri Oct 24, 2008 10:28 pm Post subject: |
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The REAL first chapter. I don't know if anyone cares, but here it is... And again, the chapters get longer after this. Don't worry.
Chapter 1:
The Return to Konoha
A figure shrouded in a black cloak walked along the forest path. Its steps weren’t frantic, as if it knew where it was going, and why. It was hunched over slightly, so the eyes were encompassed by darkness, the cloak’s hood, casting the shadow. Its mouth was between serious and playful. It almost looked like it was planning something devious, and was having trouble deciding whether to have fun with it, or take it seriously. Bare feet were visible beneath the cloak, making soft pat pat pat sounds where they hit the dirt that was hardened by extreme wear.
As she approached a gateway, two Leaf Shinobi rose and said, “Who goes there.” The cloaked figure stopped walking in its current direction, and walked instead to the gate guards. The guards faces immediately lit up. “Oh! It’s you! Of course, go right in!” one of them said. Then the other one spoke. “We’ve all been expecting your return. Hokage-sama will want to see you.” Then the two Shinobi bowed to the figure, who continued walking. “Huh. Looks change quite a bit, wouldn’t you say?” The other Shinobi also thought the same thing.
The figure walked steadily down the street, then turned down an alley and pulled of the shroud. Underneath was a fine looking girl, who had donned a short amber-coloured one-piece dress. It looked much like Sakura’s, except with no flower insignia adorning it. Instead, where the flower would be was a sign of the Yin-Yang, coloured blue and red. Her feet were bare, for reasons unknown to anyone but her. Her blood-red eyes looked like they could puncture a hole through you, yet at the same time looked gentle and caring. Her hair was an odd sort of blue, looking like a mixture of deep sea blue and the blue tint the morning sky has. She had no forehead protector on her entire body, yet she acted like she had been here for almost all her life, and hadn’t seen it for three years. “It’s good to be home.” She said while stretching, which also happened to be her first words since entering the village.
She exited the alley, her cloaked draped upon her shoulder. Nobody really paid any attention to her. There were plenty of people who looked weirder than her. She passed by some nostalgic spots, such as the Old Ramen Shop, or at least that’s what she called it. She didn’t stop for Ramen, though. She had more important things to do. She even passed what she called her home. Granted, there were spider webs in most of the things she left. She was going to need a new cooking pot- that much was for certain. The things on top of the piles and thing that had no cover were ruined by years of rain. Even if it wasn’t constant, there was enough to render things useless.
She wandered around her home, more for nostalgic reasons. She remembered where she had to go, but she figured she was allowed some time to look at her home. She shifted through what little tableware there was and found something she remembered well: her old mortar and pestle. Upon finding it, she took some time to gather some memories, and after a minute passed, she put the small bowl and crushing pole into one out of two leather pouches on her right leg. On her leg was a slightlybigger pouch that seemed to have better stitching, and overall better durability than the other two on her right leg.
She exited her haven and continued on her journey to the Hokage’s room. She wondered if there was a new Hokage now, even as she entered into the Hokage’s room. When she entered, there was a chair facing forward, with a blonde haired lady with a blue diamond-shaped oddity that looked like a tattoo in the middle of her forehead. Her hands were folded together, with the knuckles facing up. Her head was resting on the knuckles of her hand, her eyes also closed. The male next to her also had the same old scar on his nose that always seemed to be there, never fading. The blue-haired female smiled. “So nothing has changed here, either…”
The male with the scar shot up so fast that it took the girl by surprise. “Who are you that you feel comfortable talking that way to Hokage-sama?” His voice angrily asked her. The blonde female didn’t open her eyes, but her voice was calm. “Easy, Iruka. Do you not remember who was supposed to return around this time?” Iruka looked back and forth between the two females, before taking a closer look at the younger one. His eyes widened in surprise at what he discovered. “Is that you, Velidina?”
Velidina nodded. “Hai. I just got back today. Aren’t Jiraiya-sama and Naruto-kun supposed to return any day now as well?” Iruka nodded. “Hai. It’s been a long time, but finally the day they return is upon us. They even might return yet today… but who knows.” Iruka’s shoulders shrugged. “I will be able to finally see how much Naruto has grown up.” Velidina couldn’t help but giggle, knowing Iruka’s affectionate ties with Naruto.
Just then, the door slammed open as two people entered. “Tsunade-sama, look at who I found.” a girl with pink hair said excitedly. A blonde boy with spiky, unruly hair stepped forward, clad in an orange and black garb. “Uzumaki Naruto has returned!” the boy shouted.
_________________
| YuweaCurtis wrote: | | NRC, where even the posts are ninjas. |
| Rorschach wrote: | | lol, Sench-Dynasty. Coined. |
When the snow falls, it covers and hides... the truth. And when it melts, that truth is shown...
~Kino's Journey
Roleplaying Characters:
Shiatamme, Velidina
Tracona, Felishia
Cheza
Kurataima, Syani
RPG Stats:
Shinobi Rank: Genin D-Rank +-+ Genin E-Rank+-+ Genin C-Rank +-+ Genin E-Rank
Village: Konoha +-+ Konoha +-+ Iwagakure +-+ Kumogakure
Fame: 0
Reputation:
Training Points: 720
Inventory: Mizu Kusari, Kunai X5, Shruiken X3, Water Balloons X3, Mortar and Pestle +-+ Kunai X4, Shruiken X5, Green Diamond +-+ Two Emivice, Kunai, Helena Bracelet, Hyoumenkaken +-+ 25 normal senbon, 50 small senbon, 30 Kunai, 10 Shruiken, Modified Kunai, Ancient Text
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Sench
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Velidina_Shiatamme
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| Posted: Sat Oct 25, 2008 9:06 am Post subject: |
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Well, her past is revealed little by little, but it's mainly irrelevant. So I didn't focus too much on it.
_________________
| YuweaCurtis wrote: | | NRC, where even the posts are ninjas. |
| Rorschach wrote: | | lol, Sench-Dynasty. Coined. |
When the snow falls, it covers and hides... the truth. And when it melts, that truth is shown...
~Kino's Journey
Roleplaying Characters:
Shiatamme, Velidina
Tracona, Felishia
Cheza
Kurataima, Syani
RPG Stats:
Shinobi Rank: Genin D-Rank +-+ Genin E-Rank+-+ Genin C-Rank +-+ Genin E-Rank
Village: Konoha +-+ Konoha +-+ Iwagakure +-+ Kumogakure
Fame: 0
Reputation:
Training Points: 720
Inventory: Mizu Kusari, Kunai X5, Shruiken X3, Water Balloons X3, Mortar and Pestle +-+ Kunai X4, Shruiken X5, Green Diamond +-+ Two Emivice, Kunai, Helena Bracelet, Hyoumenkaken +-+ 25 normal senbon, 50 small senbon, 30 Kunai, 10 Shruiken, Modified Kunai, Ancient Text
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Yoko
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Velidina_Shiatamme
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| Posted: Sun Oct 26, 2008 7:26 pm Post subject: |
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Maybe not totally irrelevent, but in the past, she was just a normal Kunoichi on the streets. Not much to explain there...
_________________
| YuweaCurtis wrote: | | NRC, where even the posts are ninjas. |
| Rorschach wrote: | | lol, Sench-Dynasty. Coined. |
When the snow falls, it covers and hides... the truth. And when it melts, that truth is shown...
~Kino's Journey
Roleplaying Characters:
Shiatamme, Velidina
Tracona, Felishia
Cheza
Kurataima, Syani
RPG Stats:
Shinobi Rank: Genin D-Rank +-+ Genin E-Rank+-+ Genin C-Rank +-+ Genin E-Rank
Village: Konoha +-+ Konoha +-+ Iwagakure +-+ Kumogakure
Fame: 0
Reputation:
Training Points: 720
Inventory: Mizu Kusari, Kunai X5, Shruiken X3, Water Balloons X3, Mortar and Pestle +-+ Kunai X4, Shruiken X5, Green Diamond +-+ Two Emivice, Kunai, Helena Bracelet, Hyoumenkaken +-+ 25 normal senbon, 50 small senbon, 30 Kunai, 10 Shruiken, Modified Kunai, Ancient Text
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